Friday, March 6, 2009

Alive and unwell and drunk in Cardiff

When was the crash? Not so long ago now and I'm still in it - the binge, the out of control slide into misery and liquid lunches (they're for lightweights, liquid breakfasts, now we're talking) mid-morning crises and unconsciousness rather than sleep.

I'm unemployed again. I quit my job. Or rather I just stopped going. All because I was left on my own and couldn't cope - Mrs CD went away for a couple of stretches and I went to the pub, fell apart, ripped my little wings off and slouched in a quiet corner slurping and staring at a nasty world.

I went to the doctor on Monday. I'd written down what I needed to say because I knew I wouldn't get through it without breaking down and I wanted desperately not to forget what I wanted to say - it wasn't much and it was all too predictable; back in the pattern. Doctor, I'm depressed, I think about taking my own life every day, I get as far as writing notes and include what music I'd like played at my funeral (a favourite pub conversation this, as it happens it's Tomorrow Never Knows by JohnPaulGeorgeandRingo, Unbearable by the Wonder Stuff and Hurt by Johnny Cash - toe tapping, head nodding church clearers all).

The upshot was a sick note for eight weeks and a prescription for more Trazadone - post-dated in order that I shouldn't hold enough supplies for a serious overdose attempt. I looked it up and there's no record of a successful suicide with Trazadone, just long, long sleep. I don't want to die, at the end of the day that's what it comes down to, why I don't take the pills - and if I really did there are methods far more proven to succeed, so I have to conclude that I don't want to die. There is a part of me that just wants to vanish, maybe end up in hospital and getting some proper help - in all my travails that's the only time I've seen a psychiatrist, after a suicide attempt that left me hospitalised for a week - I got about 15 minutes of his time and he told me to pull myself together while waving a pen with the name of the antidepressant I'd necked emblazoned across it.

It's all a struggle at the moment though. All I want to do is drink and sleep, get up and do it all again. I accept now that I can't drink safely, at least not for a good long time and I'm going to ask for a detox again, even if it's an inpatient one, which I've desperately tried to avoid up to now. I'm also committed to asking for antabuse, I need to stay sober.

Sadly, I've been happier of late - happier because in going daily to The O I've made a few friends - good people who I really enjoy talking to and I have to prepare to leave them all behind (I don't think I can do the sitting in the pub with a soft drink, it's too difficult, so I have to try and fill that hole with something else.) There are things on the horizon - the support group at the therapeutic day programme, maybe AA, there are other places too. I need to contact the Fitzhamon Centre too - they do detoxes I think and maybe I can get some more successful counselling there.

That was in my letter to the doctor too (he was marvellous - very understanding and kind) that I know when I'm sober I desperately miss what alcohol does for me which is that it is the ONLY thing I have ever found that makes me content or gives me any semblance of confidence or comfort in myself.

Mrs CD is here now and has a day off today. The worst thing I face is telling my parents what I've done and how I am - they care so much (too much really, but all with the right motives). I'll probably do it shamefacedly by email because I can't face speaking to them.

The fact that I'm writing this is a positive thing in itself though. Maybe I'm coming up from the blackness. I hope so because I can't stay down there for very much longer.

Lots of love.



Marcelle said...

I just dropped by and read some of your blog. I hope you come out of your blackness.

fallen-angelx said...


So glad you're back.

Shame to hear about what's been happening. I guess everyone slips from time to time :(

Just good to know that you're ok, or are ok enough to make contact with the world of blogger.

I hope you feel better soon and if you decide to do it; good luck detoxing.


Mary LA said...

I've been there and it really doesn't stop until the drinking makes one's life so painful that one is prepared to stop drinking for good.

Take care

Mary LA

Queenneenee said...

Hi I just happened by, through surfing sober blogs. I truly know where you're at-I was at the same place just over 3 years ago. Know that you have people in your life who love and care for you. I wish you the best. Try an AA meeting, they sure helped me. Sure it sucks at first, but it doesn't suck as much as isolating and drinking yourself to death. I actually love my meetings now. Just a suggestion, I hope you feel better soon.

Angela said...

From a fellow depression/drink sufferer, I hope you are coming out of the darkness and feeling some motivation to give sobriety a try. Who knows. You might like it. Take care!

david kramer said...

Hang in there D of Cardiff....
I hope you are well.
Life is no fair that is to be sure.
But keep on blogging, as it is really worth it for you and for me.

Anybeth said...

Hey now CD. Where did you go?

Man Alive said...

just stumbled onto your site.
the first thing i said to myself was i was in cardiff once and drunk too. (and london, dublin, nyc, etc.) think a stadium was involved, a little b & b, loads of beers.
i look forward to following as you post again.

Kristin H. said...

I will keep checking back with you. Keep your eye on the sober ball.

fallen-angelx said...

It's been over 2 months.

I still check.

I hope you're ok.