There may be troubles ahead... Finding a new self... Why I write this bobbins...

Friday, and blogging again already, wow, that's good. Although I can remember the days when I used to do this once a day.

Anyway. A good couple of days after a bit of a down - important times ahead though.

Thursday I went to counselling, which was great, really productive. I've talked more about my lack of self-esteem, self-respect, self-confidence and indeed self and also my inability to cope with or express my emotions - I consider them my enemy.

And, I did manage to ask my question: Does this work? Well, my counsellor said yes, but then she would say that wouldn't she. But, I agree. I've seen what it can do already, my confidence has been improved by visualising a metal ball as my core - silly isn't it, but it's worked, and by constant, nagging, mantra-like repetition of the belief that I do not need to fear, I have reduced my fear.

My next task - should I agree to accept it (and I think I did) is to unleash those emotions and, baby, I'm looking forward to it. I'd love to feel, what's it like?

Sometimes when writing this I have a real sense of my own ridiculousness. I'm extremely pleased and proud that 15 people 'follow' this blog (hello, I love you!) and so get little updates every time I post, but what the flibbety gibbet does my w*****g on about counselling sessions achieve?

Well, I always wanted to be honest in doing this, and, although it sounds ridiculously self-aggrandising, I'd love people to find some help from this. I felt very alone for a long time and found the best help I'd had to that point on a website with a forum - it's called Brighteyes and it's on my sidebar - for drinkers. I've also found strength in the writings of others, more than from any of the self-help (self is the word of the day, 50 uses and I win a tin star with a picture of David Cameron on it) book I tried. So, do say hello if you're reading this, it's great for my ego if nothing else.

And, if you're looking at blogs about alcohol and depression because those twin seven-sided bastards are on your case, I hope you do get some hope from this - I now firmly believe that it's kind of in my hands and it'll be in yours too. The treatment I've received I believe is typical of what you'll get on the NHS in the UK and the main plank of it is going to be counselling.

That's one of the reasons I asked the doctor this morning about coming off antidepressants, and the lady at the Community Addiction Unit (CAU) about coming off Antabuse and trying social drinking again - again is a misnomer, I've never drunk socially or sensibly.

The doctor urged me to at least complete the six months on antabuse that is the usual course before thinking about tailing off the Trazadone - and then probably not until the new year. The CAU lady was even more cautious, advising considering extending the Antabuse course until the new year because of our delightful national habit of celebrating the birth of a now little-regarded religious figure (whose chief message was, so it seems to me, to turn our backs on material things and seek joy in a life of love and its promulgation) by drinking like lunatics and consuming, consuming, consuming.

We shall see.

I feel positive now and hopeful that the changes in my personality that are going on will be GOOD, will be MIGHTY, and will be PERMANENT. Essentially that I'll be a new person. Now, that would be cool - a whole new life.

The interesting times I refer to above are Mrs CD impending departure for foreign shores, leaving me to my own devices for getting of for two weeks - my parents will harass me to visit them, or for them to visit here, but, largely I'll be alone.

If you spent it, thank you for your time.

Cardiff Drunk (four months sober yesterday.)

It also helps me and maybe it will help you

Cold Turkey is very cold.

Well, it's 3.45 now, and the cravings/withdrawal are already getting pretty bad. I've been posting in the forums at Brighteyes and the couple of responses I've received to my rather desperate cry for help are that I should definitely not try and detox myself and I probably should turn down the job and stick to the nice, gently, voluntary work role and stay in treatment - if I take the job I can't see how I can subsequently announce that I'm an alcoholic and I need two weeks off for an inpatient detox.

A couple of apples and a cup of tea are helping with the cravings a little but I'm close to having the shakes - partly because I drank less last night. Making the tea, I opened the fridge to find a half finished bottle of wine staring at me seductively. I know if I neck it I can end this awful feeling.

That said, if I can do today, tomorrow should be easier. Or if I can cut down again today - just drink enough to make it through without falling apart. I've managed to detox myself before, with the help of antidepressants that were real knockouts, and I've never fitted in detox before. This feels different though. I'm panicky and feel like I'm about to have a heart attack; I've got pains in my arms. God, I wish there was something I could do, or something I could take to just make it go away.

If I tell my girlfriend I'm going to turn the job down, she will be terribly disappointed and I hate to do that.

I'm back off to Brighteyes to read any further responses.

Bright eyed, bushy tailed, online help.

In my misery I signed up on Thursday to the forums at an online alcohol counselling service called Brighteyes. I left a message in their SOS section, but with no instant reply, I haven't returned until now.

It seems a lively community and genuinely supportive. Nothing that can do any harm and with any luck it will do some good.

Checking back, I've received some lovely supportive messages, and I'm determined to log in more regularly. (But, then I'm determined to do a lot of things which I never follow through on).

I'd think about giving it a try if you're on the computer and need someone to talk to - it can be very lonely to be an alcoholic. Some of the stories are harrowing, some inspirational.