Silly boy. Not so bad though.

Well, I don't feel too bad after yesterday's escapades.

First to shine a sunny sunbeam on my mood is the fact that I'm getting on top of my eczema (if eczema it really be). I say I, but in accepting this My Skin Is Slightly Better Than It Was Award I would like to thank Mrs Cardiff Drunk, without whom etc.

I'm not hungover either and feel a certain strength from my success in stopping drinking yesterday. I'd always heard rumours and myths about this thing called will-power, but I never really believed in it.

Possibly, things are just getting better for me. Atypical! As Bill and Ted would have it.

I'm not abstinent yet, but my drinking is massively reduced from what it was in November. I'm working: no, I don't always enjoy it, I'm nervous about what will happen when the training ends and the actual work starts and I'd be lying if I said I skipped into work with rubber heels; but it's given me some routine, some non-pub social interaction and maybe even a bit of pride. I'm also getting more on top of other things in my life - I'm better around the house, I'm eating more regularly and healthily and I do get more exercise.

Oh yes, there are long miles yet to be covered and I don't know where they will lead me but I do not feel as if I have plummeted down to the bottom of the chasm again.

The silly part is that I've had a spliff this morning. I picked up a very small amount yesterday and my first act of the day was to smoke a one-skinner. It's not the end of the world but I'm going to try very hard not to get into that habit again.

I went through a phase - when I was last sober particularly - when I smoked an absolutely enormous amount of high-potency weed. It's something I used to enjoy when I was a student but it became part of the problem in the end. There was no real joy in it and paranoia wasn't ever very far away, it increased my isolation and removed my wish to do anything. I don't want to go back there again.

It also makes me lie. I haven't told Mrs CD what I've done and one of the reasons I do it so early in the morning when I do is that I want to be completely cleared up by the time she returns - of course, this evening I have to work so that's another need for a clear head.

So, I really ought to be doing stuff and that's not going to be helpful is it?

Cheers,

CD