Sunday, November 16, 2008

I'm worthless. Which is good news

"That was a good session, very open and honest," my counsellor said as we walked towards reception to make the next appointment.

That was on Wednesday. It was a good session, I had been open and honest and cried (or rather welled-up; if I let go enough to actually cry properly I completely fall apart) three times as I made my confessions or inadequacy, self-loathing and the deep-seated belief I have that I am an evil person.

This, apparently, is my schema. Counsellor promised to post me a chapter from a book that described this belief system that rules my thinking.

I'd asked if we could take a route towards Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), because I believed it would be more positive and active than what I had experienced before - simply talking about my past and events that may have contributed towards my drinking and depression.

The schema description arrived on Friday: Defectiveness/Shame is my name.

"Patients with this schema believe that they are defective, flawed, inferior, bad, worthless or unlovable. Consequently, they often experience chronic feelings of shame about who they are."
That fits the bill nicely.
The next session is designed to be a confession, a revealing of what I feel is bad, worthless and unlovable about myself. It's going to be tough I think but I have to hope that in revealing I will find some escape.

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