X has replied after my third email. Good old self-obsessed, selfish me, of course, didn't think for a minute that someone might possibly have other things to do than indulge in long, intense, very personal, not particularly pleasant wallows through the sludge of my mind.
She sent a lovely reply and I'm mortified to hear that she's not good - she too suffers from depression and anxiety - and I'm causing further not good by essentially stalking her.
I must admit I feel somewhat the heel.
However, we have ended our little exchange on quite friendly virtual terms with a hope to talk a little more when she feels better.
She too, I think, shares my pain at the way we've managed - with some of the best intentions ever known to man - to misunderstand, miscommunicate with and cause hurt to each other.
It has been selfish of me to try and contact her, and to do so with such doggedness, but I have to say it's something I have felt compelled to do - if you can train your brain and completely control your thoughts, then I'm a long way off managing it and I was thinking about her every day, I have drowned a lot of memories in drink so, now, they bob up.
I hope it can help us both in the end.
If you spent it, thank you for your time.