Monday, December 7, 2009

Ready, steady, f**k!

Excuse my language in the title. I tone down my language considerably on this blog; were you to meet me in the flesh you'd probably be disgusted by my course and foul speech.

But, that expletive is deserved and, as ever in self-loathing land (which is where I seem to be living this week) it's aimed at me.

It could have been so different, it could have been so much better, but then idiot man had to try and get out of bed.

I'm really starting to feel more and more like that in my doltage.

So, what's the best way for me to start the day? A spliff and a hot bath? No, that's not the right answer. I won't go over in great detail the extent to which that is NOT THE RIGHT ANSWER, but suffice to say that the psychologist who gave me such helpful and splendidly useful advice about dealing with anxiety would be shaking his head at the stupidity of it all were he here to see me.

I had two things to do today. Some little bits of housework and a trip to the Community Addiction Unit to take my Antabuse.

I have, after managing to pull some sort of self-respect out of my wretched arse, managed to make a decent stab at putting out some washing, cooking a meal, picking up some books and stuff. I managed to make it out of the house, just about at around 4.30pm, which is when I got up.

I missed the pills again. I can take them myself perfectly well of course, and sometimes I do, but if I'm honest, usually I don't if I don't make the walk to the Community Addiction Unit (this setting up of rituals the falling apart of one part of which renders the whole excercise spoiled in my mind, is common to much of my life).

This starting to get a bit Russian Roulette-like. I haven't sorted out my other medication either - ritual: it must go in the pill tray on Sunday - and, it's only writing this now and being slapped in the face by my own staggering ability, and even desire to create difficulties for myself that I'll take at least some of it tonight.

Two things I logically know will really, really help me in every way - getting a routine and keeping busy, and I can't even manage that.

I'm making a bit of an attempt tomorrow. I've written it all down. The tasks and appointments I have would cause little trouble to a child of average intelligence, yet to me their completion will be a cause of celebration. I'm probably setting myself up for a fall by even attempting so much, yet, really, I want to be better and I want to live an ordinary - damn it even an interesting, fullfilled and productive - life and this stuff is that at its most basic.

Two of the things on my list are among my big positives: counselling and playing football.

Of everything on that list it's counselling that I simply will not miss. It's been very important for me lately - hard work sometimes, but giving me a taste of the great release I think I'm going to have to go through on this li'l ol' journey of mine (sorry, hateful reality tv bogwort that journey stuff).

Anyone who's been reading this at all regularly of late will have seen a lot of self-criticism on here and that I fear is going to come up in the session tomorrow - I don't like myself, and what do you have to say about that?

I'm looking forward to it and will no doubt tell you all about it.

If you spent it, thank you for your time,

Take it steady youngsters, Cardiff Drunk. X


fallen-angelx said...

Good to hear that you at least have a plan of somewhat and that you're actually trying to do things. I know this may sound a little random but have you considered joining a gym?
I found joining the gym helped me get over a lot of my anxieties about my self conciousness and being around new people and such. Plus, it gives me something to do which is productive overall :)

On the subject of counselling, I went to the GP and she's referred me to a psychiatrist at St David's :) Good times for both of us on the counselling front. I hope it's as good for me as it is for you. It really does sound as if you've benefited loads from it.


The Drinker said...

Hello Angel,

Not at all random and fine advice - excercise is a proven (by scientists and everything) way of producing endorphines. I'd struggle financially with a gym and it's one of the many things I've rather sneeringly (and stupidly, but, hey, in the new life...) filed away as not my thing. I did a little bit in Whitchurch and it was marvelous - an instant boost. They were supposed to contact me about continuing the programme outside the hospital - but never did. I know you can be prescribed excercise by your GP and I must try and remember that at the next appointment. I do bits and bobs of excercise - 20 press ups a day when I remember and I play football once a week, but you're right it would do me good to do it socially as well.

Good luck with your counselling - go into it with an open mind and no fear! Just back from a lovely session now which I'll write up this evening.

As ever, make sure you look after yourself Angel - I don't comment on your blog but I do read it sometimes and I worry about you sometimes :o) It's always lovely to 'chat' like this.

Cardiff Drunk.