Some wise words I probably need to consider.

I hadn't blogged for a while, it always comes in fits and starts, so when I do I end up having a little trog round the blogosphere, usually through the wonderfully slippery process of clicking links on followers, and blogs I follow, and comments on those blogs and so on - you could get lost for days, and I can certainly manage hours.

Well, off I trotted today, and I ended up at a very good and moving blog about depression, which exactly described my experience and feelings of depression - here is the address: http://www.strayblackdog.co.uk/

And, there in the comments was this, which may even be even wiser than the original post:

However, there are things you can do for yourself which might help. I don't think you'll like this suggestion but I might as well offer it. Reconsider the blog. Really. I know because I speak from experience, that although writing a blog is a way of communicating with people in what can be an extremely isolated existence, it's also an extremely effective way of convincing yourself that things can never be different. Because every day you're repeating a mantra of depression; every day you're telling yourself that you *are* depressed, *still* depressed - God when will this end?!

I promise you, it can get better and you can have times that don't hurt quite so much. But for me, in order to get to where I am today, I had to let go of some of the things I used to think helped me. And that included reading and writing about depression almost daily. I'm not suggesting you should abandon your blog all together but think about what I have said perhaps. It's little wonder we stay depressed when all we think about is being depressed!

Now, there's a thought! I have been making my occasional bloggeries with the thought that it is theraputic, and two counsellors, including my current one, have suggested it may well be so. I've also had the pompous stated aim of 'helping others in the same situation', and that still stands, although I don't know if it does. I also enjoy writing - more than that, it really is my natural first language - and used to do it for a living and want to do it for a living again, so I consider this practice of a sort, working on my skills even. I love the fact that some people read it and it feeds my ego.

What if that's all so much smoke? I'm really going to have a ponder on that one - I note that the blogger to which the comment was addressed hasn't posted since that post. I can't stop writing, but I do have other outlets for that, and it is certainly true that each of these posts, if they slip easily enough off the keyboard, involve a lot of thinking - invariably thinking about alcoholism and depression.

There's also a sense in which I'm aware of slightly using my depression and alcoholism - to gain that attention my needy, weedy ego demands. Alcoholism and depression makes me 'special', and it's been the source of most of my freelance writing commissions to date - it's always newsworthy in this country.

I'll still blog - I certainly need to start up the blog I really want to write, the humourous interesting one, the one that will get me work. I've been stressing about not writing here and I kind of hoped to get into a routine of doing it, as a positive thing. I've even thought of doing some little things to promote it - setting up a facebook page or joining some of the blog networks, or taking a more active role in the ones I've already joined, but all that does even more to define me as ALCOHOLIC, DEPRESSIVE... After all, I do this anonymously in order that my name shouldn't become associated with it, in order that I can't be googled and pop up as ALCOHOLIC... Damn, I just finished the post and have to label it, label it and its writer - alcoholism, depression, anxiety, antidepressants, regret...

Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't. Mmm, much to think about. In many ways this is a time of great uncertainty and of big decisions I feel, an important time. Cue Husker Du if I can find them!

(If they did one of those textual analysis clouds you can have done on your Facebook profile, the main theme of this blog would undoubtedly be ME, and the most used word would be I - now, is that healthy?)

I was going to post Husker Du playing These Important Years, but I found a lovely clip of a young lad playing the song very well and very seriously and, you can hear the words better and easily learn the chords if that's your thing....

If you spent it, thank you for your time.

Love,

CardiffDrunk (cripes! even my pseudonym is negative. Egad.)