Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Brightness. Badness.

Yesterday's good stuff did leech into today. The full schedule, the physical exercise, the social contact and the reduced dose of Trazadone made my start to the day as bright as it has been for a long time.

The sun shone too and I was up fairly early, not long after 9am. I made it out too, and there was where the feeling of well-being really hit me: I was much less nervous of my surroundings than I usually am. Mornings are the best time around here anything, the people who are likely to cause me anxiety - young people, dodgy looking people, are either asleep or in school.

My mood does go up and down through the day and generally follows this pattern. Lets say this is a good day - there are days when there is no variation at all, it's just down - one where I manage to get out of bed properly and get about my business.

I start the day feeling pretty bright and this will continue until I have a low around 3 or 4pm. This coincides with kids coming home from school and I think I've learned to be anxious and fearful around this time. It's just struck me that another learned pattern may be contributing, and that is a drinking pattern. Around 4pm I'd have to start thinking about leaving the pub and returning home to make dinner for Mrs CD. I generally get a bit of an up in the evening too at around 8pm when I get a feeling that there's not going to be any need to leave the house again and that I am safe. Sadly, the day usually ends on a low after staring too long at a computer and knowing that going to bed at 11.30pm means at least an hour of listening to the SSFIs next door.

I'm still pretty bright, but, of course, I've done my best to sabotage it by having a spliff (something that was notable for its absence from yesterday's busy programme). Learn from this Cardiff Drunk, learn from it.


Gabriella Moonlight said...

Are you working the steps of AA with anyone? Or trying this on your own? I wish you well and the freedom that truly not being addicted can bring.

xo Gabi

The Drinker said...

Hi Gabriella,

No, I'm not doing this with anyone or to any programme and I feel that may be a problem for me.

I haven't even fully signed up to the idea that I am an alcoholic who can never drink again. Sometimes - in fact just this morning - I think about it and feel quite happy about it. Other days I congratulate myself on doing so well and give myself a pat on the back that'll I'll be able to drink again soon, having 'cured' myself of the psychological mess that is my head.

I think I'm probably deluding myself and I think I've still got a long way to go to find that freedom you mention.

I think there's a long way to go Gabriella.

Thanks for stopping by, love,

Cardiff Drunk.