Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Just said no, just said no...

I don't say no. Not usually. This is not only a function of my drunkenness : "Want another?" etc, etc, etc... But also of a desperation to be wanted and loved - yes, yes, yes I say. Often to my own detriment and just for acceptance.

However, that's a diversion for another day. Today I said no to Diazepam, which really surprised me.

I went to see the doctor today, and was delighted to see the same GP as my last appointment. That's the first time that's happened at this practice and it felt nice to have a bit of continuity - I might even go as far as asking to see him again next time.

He was very good about everything. Asking how I was going, how work was suiting me, what my drinking was like and so on. He advised I try AA and used the dread word alcoholic about me.

I'm still denying this, but the denial is weakening - knowing that even while I am successfully making it through a few days without the booze as soon as I do surrender to the bender (thanks for that Pop Will Eat Itself) it really is a surrender and it really is a bender.

So, the prescriptions have come thick and fast again. The dose of Trazodone has gone up and I'm on Acamprosate, or Campral again, or at least I will be once I get to the chemists. I've had all my skin treatments renewed, in the nick of time as it happens, the tubes and tubs were bare and sad to relate but a visible skin condition is not the best medicine for happiness, oh no. Thiamine and multivitamins too have been replenished - I'd stopped taking them over Christmas but I must start rattling again.

Campral is supposed to reduce cravings for alcohol and also to repair brain damage caused by long-term alcohol abuse, which is a good trick if you can manage it I guess. I've taken it before and... Well, I can't honestly say what effect it had; I relapsed in the end after all, but I shall imagine it is doing some good and in the imagining there shall be some good. Or so it is hoped.

I feel very much better today. I charged onto Brighteye yesterday, posting in the SOS forum and got the usual good advice. (Who wants to hear good advice though).

Really, the gist is, come on you've got a problem and you continue to kid yourself about it. You really need a good long period of sobriety before you even think about drinking again.

Mrs Cardiff Drunk is home which is great news for me. I really am a child. If there is no-one telling what to do and what not to do then I do, well, very little apart from, wake...drink...sleep...wake...drink...sleep.

That's something that needs addressing. There's a gap to be filled which hopefully will become easier with time. All those good ideas, that correspondence course, those books I want to read, that music I'd love to write. Well... well, I've said it all before haven't I, but, got to keep trying.

Gosh, that's a long old post and there's things not to be done. Prevarication doesn't just prevaricate itself you know!

If you spent it, thank you for your time.



Mary LA said...

Talk away, that is what blogs are for!

I resisted being labelled an alcohlic for years because I didn't want to stop drinking. Now I have no problem with the lbel because I am that paradox, an alcoholic who doesn't drink and therefore has no problems with alcohol...

Take care and I hope the Campral helps.

How I miss Wales, your blog makes me quite nostalgic!


Cat said...

My husband called himself a functioning alcoholic for years before he got sober - and for years he was functioning, but those last few years there was nothing functioning about him or our life.

Writing is good. Write awway its your psce!


The Drinker said...

I'm not exactly in the rolling hills Mary, a rather unlovely area of Cardiff, but it's nice to inspire a bit of Heraith in someone :o)

I know exactly what your saying - I know it myself and I know it's denial to be honest, what you've said is probably true of me... and you see how I insert that probably to give myself a little bit of wriggle room. . .

Hey Cat! I'm functioning too, but, well... see above. Thanks for commenting. I'm just off to have a quick look at yr blogs - you're busy!